nostalgia never looks as good in person

memories are nice. they create an atmosphere specific to your own mental process. you may remember a certain moment very differently than the friend who was with you, experiencing the same moment. people appear, dialog is tweaked, time bleeds. it's all yours, the memory.

however, sometimes it is nice to have proof of those memories. perhaps a nice canvas painting, or an etch a sketch. sometimes, even, an appreciative modern picture. yes, a picture. a small rectangular, flimsy piece of paper where you and your event are caught in action. george eastman knew what he was doing. apparently, i didn't.

i'm a fan of film cameras. mainly because i'm a nostalgic idiot who hangs onto romantic ideas and processes for too long. but two years ago i cut the ritualistic cord and purchased a digital camera. i did my research - price, features, mega pixels, reviews . . . i ended up with a sony cyber-shot. it was a little above my price range, but it had that traditional-camera look and i figured - "hey, it's a good camera and will last me a while."

lies. all lies. it lasted me less than a year. i was pretty pumped when i discovered it came with two rechargeable batteries. even more excited when i realized it came with a batter recharger. the honeymoon phase was wonderful. there was nothing i wouldn't take a picture of - door frames, carrots, a nicely placed bug - but things somehow started getting tricky. after 6 months the camera started shutting off in cold weather. i let it get away with this, mainly because i sometimes shut off in cold weather. but then it started doing it in any weather. then the batteries started dying instantly, even after they were freshly charged. when i moved to london, it got so bad i had to ask my friends to take pictures for me with their cameras (incidentally, all their cameras worked. well, except for lauren's. her's was an hp.)

eventually i gave up on my camera. my memories are no longer proved in any tangible way. i can remember a certain event as horrible, when it may not have been, simply because i have no proof otherwise. my friends age in shocking bursts since i no longer have a visual reference as to how they looked before. my niece has gone from a 1-week-old to an 18-month-old in one blunt step.

i've been thinking about getting another one. this time a cheap one. maybe it will work better that way. i want those proven memories. i want the phases of my mother's hair and the spring my sister's perennials grew between the rocks in her driveway. because mentally, there is no in-between in memories. there's only then. and now.